You have the right to remain silent

It’s quiet; you can feel eyes burning, burrowing into the back of your head, you turn around and… was it your imagination? No, but they are silent, slick, sleek, and stealthy. You can’t see them, but the can see you. They want to know everything about you; I hope you have nothing to hide. Here’s some advice to improve your invisibility:

You see yellow and hit the accelerator. You think you’re gonna, just a little further –damn! It turned red. You look around; wipe your brow, “whew!” no one saw you. No one with a badge and red lights, anyway. Not someone, something. A week later you open a mysterious letter only to find a fine. Politicians say the stoplight surveillance is for your safety, but you know better, just look at the traffic ticket.
”But if I go out Saturday night I’m going to miss my programs.” Thanks to TiVo staying in on the weekend, like grandma watching her British soaps, is a thing of the past. Now you can cure that hangover with some quality prerecorded television; plus you can skip those pesky commercials. But is there a spy in your house? Once an expensive luxury, TiVo now invades millions of homes. Invades? Yes. And unless you tell TiVo “no!” it not only records your favorite shows, the device enlightens marketers of your viewing habits. So you don’t have to stop recording hours of QVC hand modeling, you just don’t have to share your fringe fetish with market analysts.

Can you see me now? Can you track me down? Turn your mobile phone on and anyone with a Global Positioning System tracking unit who knows your number knows where your phone is. Cell phone service providers will not activate phones without GPS. Only now are cell companies selling the service. So the next time your kid says he’s at the library, but really at the whorehouse, you’ll know.

Speaking of kids, you know those kiddie IDs? Good idea, right? Wrong. Giving children picture identification invites every pedophile and abductor into your child’s life. Not to mention when your son decides to rob that liquor store at age 16, he’ll be bummed when the cops match the fingerprints at the crime scene to his elementary school ID. Thanks, mom.

Think those grocery store club cards are just for you? Think again. Your spending routine shapes the store’s order. Shops snoop your purchases, putting items on “sale” only legitimizes applying for and remembering to bring the card in the first place. Whenever possible I shop at nonexclusive supermarkets or pretend I forgot my card. Oh and here’s a tip: according to my friend, a former Peters (a defunct grocery store in upstate New York) produce employee, the cards are interchangeable. Whether bargain buying at Albertsons, bulk food finding at Wegmans, or carefully maneuvering your cart at Safeway; you can scan the same savings card. Just be sure to use the self checkout to avoid that “are you crazy?” look from cashiers.

Well, it’s not as cool as going undercover and not as extreme as going underground, but with some consumer education you can cover your financial tracks a bit better. When with identity theft runs rampant and you can’t count on cops, the brave new world calls for brave new customers taking the law into their own hands. Buyer beware and be resourceful.