The future is in Detroit

I always thought the Jetsons’s cars looked strange and made goofy noises, but Acura, Mazda, Mercedes-Benz and Jaguar brought their sleek dream concept cars to Detroit this year and even after a whole skillet of cornbread and a giant bowl of popcorn (today is national p-corn day, for those of you who aren’t with it) my mouth was still watering.

Let’s face it, since I have no car, a pinto could see me salivating in seconds. But these aerodynamic autos are glistening like a Vaseline laden fast food commercial burger! Though you’d have to move that decimal point in $2.99 about five spaces to the right.

Sex sells. Car creators tore the veils off virgin vehicles, revealing seductive headlights of all shapes and sizes, cars of all colors and body types. I imagine Chris Isaak crooning while the four wheeled fashion models strutted their stuff. Cat calls were in order this year as most cars were curvy and sultry, promising many a magical night, if you’ll only turn her on. Yow! Shiny silver and ruby red as pretty as painted fingernails dominated the showroom. Cameras winked in adoring flirtation at the celebrity coupes, but the beauties didn’t blush; they winked right back. Sassy!

The Batmobile inspired Acura Advance tops my list because the entire car flows from front to back. It doesn’t leave me scratching my head, wondering, “What’s that?” If I owned the Advance I’d find a Mylar bag big enough to fit it. Can you say mint condition?

Runner up Jaguar C-XF couples the refined dignity of an old person’s car with a “my car’s got more balls than yours” attitude.

A funky grill and tiny headlights make me wonder if were ready for Lincoln’s MKR.

Marrying a Delorean and a Japanese rice burner makes for a nice baby; though the Mazda Ryuga sounds like a Streetfighter 2 character, it’s sharp.

I always knew I was a prophet. The Camaro’s back in full retro force after losing ground to “foreign” cars. Too bad it’ll be out of its biggest followers’s price range. The Chevy designers must’ve really liked Pixar’s Cars.

Ford followed the American muscle nostalgic trend with the Interceptor (very slick) and Mustang (not bad).

Remember Toyota’s revamped Celica in the late ‘90s? Well, if it was cast in an anime movie, Toyota’s concept car FT-HS would play the Celica. I would accept this car as a gift and promptly sell it.

Chrysler’s still making Sebrings for some reason.

Tiguan is VW’s concept SUV. It’s a Toureg with flashy tires. They’re black with a thick red stripe down the center and black treads over the stripe. Remember whitewall tires? Volkswagen just blew my mind. Did I say blew my mind? I meant blew it.

I still wouldn’t buy a Hyundai. I don’t care if their warranty comes with a coupon for a better car. No.

The dudes at Mazda have been watching A-I nonstop. Kabura, Ryuga, and Nagare are all ideas lifted from the cars in that movie.

Detroit’s 2007 Auto Show proves the future is here or at least on its way. It’ll be here faster as these powerful vehicles pave the way, speeding fantasy to reality. Strange noises of Jetsonian cruisers might be ethanol and the cost of my cornbread and popcorn may go up.