Call me when there’s a mandatory morphine shot

Gov. Timothy M. Kaine said Thursday he would sign legislation requiring all
sixth-grade girls to be vaccinated against the sexually transmitted virus that
can cause cervical cancer.
The Virginian Pilot

Tim’s not alone; Texas governor Rick Perry, courted by pharmaceutical producer Merck, approved similar legislature. Appeals may follow and a disapproving uproar is spreading. Mandatory HPV vaccinations may be coming to a 12 year-old girl near you.

Mandatory is the problem. The government has its hands on young girls’s bodies, and that doesn’t sit well with parents, especially when were talking about sex. Remember Salt-N-Pepa’s tune? Well, 17 years later we’re still bashful about sexual intercourse. The simplest solution is a choice; the difficulty of that solution is who makes the choice? “Responsible” parents who won’t admit their princess is sexually active or irresponsible folks who don’t give a damn? Perhaps a consent age limit should be set: at 16 it’s up to the girls. And it’s best kept a secret, because confidentiality reassures girls and girls’s parents. Voluntary participation paired with a nominal fee will keep costs down, and free service should be offered if needed.

We may be talking about a preventative cure for cancer here, but don’t forget the chemicals involved. Parents object to new drugs fresh from the vat. And don’t discount the deal making. It’s a potential goldmine for Merck, for, to paraphrase economist Adam Smith, the butcher and baker aren’t exactly philanthropists, and drug companies don’t do charity either. Perhaps if trustworthy politicians weren’t backing HPV, the vaccine would seem a breakthrough, not a burden.

Castro, Chavez keep in touch

It’s difficult to keep in touch with all the people I love, so that’s why I want to host a weekly call in show. And run for president. Remember reading about FDR’s fireside chats? Well, I’m bringin’ ‘em back. The chats, not FDR.

Assuming we had a president capable of holding his own on a live radio show, wouldn’t it narrow the gap between White House and the American home?

Say what you will about Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez, but he fields calls and keeps in touch with his citizens via television. Even Fidel Castro called from his hospital bed in Havana to check in with Chavez and scoff at capitalism. I can’t wait till my buddy Crash calls the president to talk 401K.

Despite his distaste for globalization and free trade, Chavez isn’t all bad. He was dissatisfied with President Carlos Andrés Pérez, so Chavez and friends stormed the city and attempted a coup. After being released from jail in 1994, Chavez campaigned and was elected president five years later. He heralded a new constitution and social reforms. During his eight going on nine year presidency he’s been reelected twice and survived a coup which allegedly US military conspired in.

Chavez’s supporters rioted and looted. No one would riot or loot for Bush. Maybe America needs a coup d'état. Or maybe the constitution should be required reading for the government. But an interactive program starring the president seems more likely.

State of the Yawnin'

I’m not going to get into the politics of the President’s address, just provide some blogservations.

There were plenty of funny faces. Ever-so-sly Dick Cheney looked both ways before popping a pill, but through a well-executed pump fake our crafty camera operator caught big D in the act. My first guess—cyanide—didn’t pan out, as Cheney was still breathing 30 seconds later. Whatever it was, it perked the old Vice Prez up. For the remainder of the broadcast he made goofy faces at an imaginary quarry to his left. Perhaps Cheney’s heart meds produce hallucinations. That explains the hunting accident. Former first lady Hillary—looking straight out of the ‘20s with her conservative new ‘do—sucked on lemons or sour warheads all night. That explains the sourpuss.

You know those kids who always used to fall asleep in class and it was so obvious? Well, they grew up and attended the State of the Union tonight. I’d say there were half dozen dozers on hand tonight and the camera man did a good job exposing them.
You don’t have to clap after everything W says. I didn’t.

When presenting Dikembe Mutumbo Bush introduced him as a child of the Congo (not sure if these were his exact words), now I’m not PC, but it sounded like he was introducing the son of King Kong. Don’t his speech writers read these things aloud before emailing it to George?

A diversion election

Once again there are too many democratic flavors on the ballot. Now, I only passed basic math in college, but I can count to eight. Yes, eight Dems vying for the number one spot, “AH HA HA HA.” Cue my thunder and lightening ala Sesame Street’s Count. My cape’s at the cleaner’s, but you get the idea.

How am I going to keep these prospective candidates straight?, you ask. Simple. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer’s posse boasts an overwhelming nine members. So I suggest writing a song, “you know John Kerry and Barack Obama and Clinton, Kucinich, Edwards, Chris Dodd and Joe Bidden, but do you recall the most major minority of all? Richardson the New Mexican Governor had a very slim chance, but with all the other contenders, he might have a shot after all.”

True, Bill Richardson’s run might be cut short, leaving him out of breath and money, but illegals may be spurred to get dual citizenship in order to vote. Seem like a lot of work? Who’s planting America’s gardens and cleaning our bathrooms?

Suave Senator Barack Obama could charm his way to a nod and he has Hillary scrambling.

Then there are the white guys. Johns Kerry and Edwards are lined up at the starting line and Dennis Kucinich ready for round two, too. Joseph Bidden Jr. and Christopher Dodd are new Northeast faces to the Party race. But seriously, Joe, most people on the east coast never step foot in Delaware, unless it’s to stock up on tax free goods and “Dela-who?!” say west coasters. And Chris, dude, the Patriots aren’t even in the Super Bowl this year. Two words buddy: good luck.

And me? Maybe I’ll run in 2012. Depends on how much loot I make on eBay between now and then. But just because I’m not running doesn’t mean I’m not collecting campaign contributions; I’ll find a safe place for those.

Blogservation of the day: Is it just me or are commercials deafening? Hitting the mute or volume down button is taxing on the thumb. Can’t anything else be done?