Gun (out of) Control

I am and you might be too young to remember that creepy old Technicolor Vincent Price movie “The House on Haunted Hill,” but good movies on television were hard to find in the ‘90s and yesterday’s B movies get an A+ when graded on today’s B feature curve. Every Halloween AMC has days and days of classic cult horror films and watching Vince stalk around this cobwebbed castle, putting his guests at unease became a tradition for me and my old man. In a twist on the old stay in the haunted mansion one night challenge, each participant (I think there were a dozen) received a “party favor.” What kind of door prize would Vincent Price supply? Why, a gun of course.

BANG! Concealed weapons permits double while population dwindles to half in New Orleans after Katrina storms out. Suddenly New Orleans is the U.S. murder capital. It’s a renaissance for local weapons dealers, who report record sales. With already 37 deaths (more than a dozen a month!) in 2007 and an incalculable number of guns in the city, I don’t know how anyone can sleep at night, let alone gun store owners.

When we think of New Orleans we think of beads, booze, boobs and food; it’s a big fat party, right? Well, now it’s a party in a ghost town where everyone has guns. The Big Easy bears an eerie resemblance to “The House on Haunted Hill.”

New Orleans is the city America abandoned, or forgot, or is trying to forget. Amid all this talk about staying the course in Iraq, we pulled out of New Orleans too early, and now it may be too late. What authority would an armed city bow to? Better yet, what authority would want to walk into a potential war zone?

Storm survivor, artist, and senior—she’s 64—Vivian Westerman renders all commentary obsolete, firing four abrupt sentences:

"I got a 6,000-watt generator and the cutest little Smith & Wesson,
snub-nose .38 you ever saw," and "I'm a marksman now. I know what I'm doing;
there are a lot of us. The girl next door is a crack shot."
-Mary Foster, The Associated Press

That says it all.

The Rundown

It’s Saint Patrick’s Day and if the green dye #5 infused beer didn’t get the job done this post will.

Push me and I push back

Some anklebiter cut me in line at the museum yesterday, so I shoved him. He ran for his 400 lb gorilla of a mother who instead of listening to hat I said pushed me. “Now I know where he gets it from,” I said, meaning his manners and gut. I walked away leaving her screeching “how dare you?!” Oh baby, I dare like this. It’s a shame kids like him will never know better than rudeness and TV dinners. I want to be a parent so I can out parent the hell out of 75% of the population. But first I need offspring. Any volunteers? I’m told I have nice eyebrows.

“Saturday Night Live” still isn’t funny. I checked tonight.

More bad marks for school cafeterias

According to the department, of 94,132 schools reporting in the 2005-2006 school
year:
Ten percent, or 9,498 schools, were not inspected at all
Twenty-nine
percent, or 27,184 schools, were inspected only once
Libby Quaid, Associated
Press

Hmmm… perhaps I should stop pretending to be a 12th grader to get cheap lunch. Maybe I can get a fast food endorsement like actress Jennifer Hudson.

No end in sight

Four years ago the U.S. invaded Iraq. It’s as surreal now as it was then. Soldiers and civilians lived years in minutes. We are all older, but are any wiser? Why are there still only unanswered questions?

Now that’s teamwork

NCAA tournament highlights are available on YouTube courtesy of CBS.

Game Over?

Nintendo sends Playstation and Xbox sprinting for the reset button. February Wii console sales more than doubled PS3 sales and nearly beat Sony and Microsoft receipts combined. Price, innovation, its all ages audience, and party games put Wiis in 335,000 homes last month. Good thing Sony and Microsoft manufacture other electronics.

Can you put a price on your best friend?

You know how your mother always told you not to give the dog people food? Well, Fido might’ve been better off on cheeseburgers. The recent pet chow recalls ask what a four legged companion is worth to owners. Many dog and cat lovers spend thousands to prolong furry friends’s lives, so my answer would be “thousands.” But these people don’t want money, they want their pets back.

More plane strain

Cathay Pacific Airways hasn’t been keeping up on current events:

"You can't keep your passengers on the plane for 9 1/2 hours," said Chandran,
30, of New York City. "They kept saying 'half an hour more, 45 minutes more.'
But by the time it got to hour six, we were pretty much accepting that we
weren't going to go … At least in the terminal, you can get up and walk around."
David B. Caruso and Jennifer Peltz, ABC News

Castro, Chavez keep in touch

It’s difficult to keep in touch with all the people I love, so that’s why I want to host a weekly call in show. And run for president. Remember reading about FDR’s fireside chats? Well, I’m bringin’ ‘em back. The chats, not FDR.

Assuming we had a president capable of holding his own on a live radio show, wouldn’t it narrow the gap between White House and the American home?

Say what you will about Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez, but he fields calls and keeps in touch with his citizens via television. Even Fidel Castro called from his hospital bed in Havana to check in with Chavez and scoff at capitalism. I can’t wait till my buddy Crash calls the president to talk 401K.

Despite his distaste for globalization and free trade, Chavez isn’t all bad. He was dissatisfied with President Carlos Andrés Pérez, so Chavez and friends stormed the city and attempted a coup. After being released from jail in 1994, Chavez campaigned and was elected president five years later. He heralded a new constitution and social reforms. During his eight going on nine year presidency he’s been reelected twice and survived a coup which allegedly US military conspired in.

Chavez’s supporters rioted and looted. No one would riot or loot for Bush. Maybe America needs a coup d'état. Or maybe the constitution should be required reading for the government. But an interactive program starring the president seems more likely.

Briefs, not Boxers: Snug and concise News

It’s a good thing we didn’t have a winning world cup soccer team last year. Why? We don’t need a baby boom, but Germany did, and it’s getting its wish this month as the stork works overtime; someone should give that bird a raise. Score! indeed. Research shows when a woman is happy she’s more likely to conceive, so the Krauts win a few matches and a few German broads get knocked up. Everybody wins. But let’s not discount German beer’s role in all this. It goes very well with spectating and baby making. I just checked, and according to dictionary.com spectating is a word. Take that, Microsoft word 2003!

Draft dodging politicians take heed of Prince Harry’s frontline desire. He doesn’t even have to go to war, he volunteered. That’s a word missing from many vocabularies nowadays. This proves Harry has a better head on his shoulders than his brother. I only have one question: do British infantrymen have to sport buzz cuts as Americans do? The pictures show Harry’s wild red hair, making him, as many feared, a very visible target.

Whole Foods bought competitor Wild Oats. The Austin based company is the largest US health food store and has a habit of gobbling up its rivals, but keeping their names. Georgia grown Harry’s Farmers Market maintains its original identity through Whole Foods’s friendly takeover. Before you know it the good food grocer will be as big as Safeway. And with fresh selection, breads baked in-house, no Hot Pockets, and energy conservation commitment, that’s a good thing.

Cheap meals, playgrounds, diaper changes, the exclusive live ant topping after the second scoop topples from atop an ice cream cone, child admission prices, and now they don’t need an ID for international travel? Kids get all the breaks. Homeland Security no longer requires passports for US whippersnappers under 15. Foreign kids traveling to the US without documents can just float on in on rafts or jump fences.