I’m back, for now, and I only have a few things to say about the Virginia Tech tragedy: “it’s contradictory that the same people against gun control are pro-life. Everything else has already been said and since Anna Niccole is no longer soaking up our short attentions the hours of VA Tech massacre coverage will be tattooed to our minds. No need to mention that yes, I did write a blog about the Anna Niccole Smith shebang, it was tongue in cheek, I suppose now my foot’s in my mouth. But what if we lived in a country where the VA Tech massacre was a daily occurence? Such places exist.
Here’s a disturbing blogservation: your sitting in the cherished waiting room of your favorite (or least favorite) Doc’s office when you notice an advertisement. The kicker is it seemingly has nothing to do with the services provided here, or so you think. In my case I was reading, minding my business waiting for my sister to emerge from the orthodontist’s torture chamber when a voice from above sings the praises of microdermabrasion procedures (repairing skin). Intermittently for the next two hours the droning continued. I blocked it out, but wasn’t able to block the question “what does this have to do with oral surgery?” from my mind. Apparently parents can enjoy the attached and affiliated spa while their little monsters get their braces installed, tightened and/or removed. Is it any wonder appointments last so long? Just put signs up pointing the direction to the spa and leave us alone. Between the ad loop and the yapping cell phone head next to me, I’ll spend the next visit in the car or on the benches outside.
Showing posts with label Blogservations. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Blogservations. Show all posts
16 April 2007
08 April 2007
01 April 2007
Blogservations v2.1
Yes, it's Sunday, and you know what that means. Here’s some blogservations, questions and predictions I pondered this week. Most are still a mystery to me.
Blogservations
It’s your fault you’re late. Deal with it.
Turn signals seem to mystify most drivers, so I’ll clear it up: flip the switch up for right and down for left. Do this every time you’re about to change direction, preferably before mid-maneuver.
There are too many “greeting cards.” I got a greeting for you, “Hello, jerks, where the HELL are the birthday cards?” Although my cousin’s cousin’s vocational school graduation is important, I just want to send a birthday card. It’s already late; can’t this be a little easier?
Boring commercials (usually car related) are ruining television. Let’s march on Washington demanding they stop; I’ll lead.
I believe in mind reading, and— —yep, so do you.
Pet owners are cooking three course meals for fido, but pumping their brats full of Hot Pockets and Pop Tarts. Oh wait; the dog might actually contribute something to society one day.
Questions
Will I ever get a job I enjoy? Because, if I don’t land one soon I’m just going to find some cubicle somewhere and do whatever the hell I want. It’s a free country.
Does anyone read this nonsense?
What’s the latest whiteout innovation? Where can I get a hold of that?
What are TV and other appliance repairmen doing now people just buy new instead of getting electronics fixed?
Predictions
2-D animation will make a comeback.
Entire cities will be recalled as defective, starting with Salt Lake City, Utah.
Technology and humans will integrate. See: “Robocop” or “Terminator.” Or, actually, just take my word for it.
Stranger things will happen.
Blogservations
It’s your fault you’re late. Deal with it.
Turn signals seem to mystify most drivers, so I’ll clear it up: flip the switch up for right and down for left. Do this every time you’re about to change direction, preferably before mid-maneuver.
There are too many “greeting cards.” I got a greeting for you, “Hello, jerks, where the HELL are the birthday cards?” Although my cousin’s cousin’s vocational school graduation is important, I just want to send a birthday card. It’s already late; can’t this be a little easier?
Boring commercials (usually car related) are ruining television. Let’s march on Washington demanding they stop; I’ll lead.
I believe in mind reading, and— —yep, so do you.
Pet owners are cooking three course meals for fido, but pumping their brats full of Hot Pockets and Pop Tarts. Oh wait; the dog might actually contribute something to society one day.
Questions
Will I ever get a job I enjoy? Because, if I don’t land one soon I’m just going to find some cubicle somewhere and do whatever the hell I want. It’s a free country.
Does anyone read this nonsense?
What’s the latest whiteout innovation? Where can I get a hold of that?
What are TV and other appliance repairmen doing now people just buy new instead of getting electronics fixed?
Predictions
2-D animation will make a comeback.
Entire cities will be recalled as defective, starting with Salt Lake City, Utah.
Technology and humans will integrate. See: “Robocop” or “Terminator.” Or, actually, just take my word for it.
Stranger things will happen.
06 March 2007
Blogservations 3-D: Get your glasses; it’s a trilogy!
Every night after the 10 o’clock news I stumble half asleep to my word processor’s blinking cursor. Often my mind is as empty as the page, but somehow I always have something to say. I’ve considered conducting blog interviews—would that qualify as a blog? I’ve thought about cheating, you know, copying some old poem or news story I wrote, but something compels me to keep it fresh. Or at least warmed over. Tonight I’m scraping even lower in my muckraker’s barrel, presenting third installment of blogservations.
Go for broke
What good is a monopoly restriction if all your options are the same? I’m sure Woodrow Wilson didn’t have Sirius and XM or Best Buy and Circuit City in mind when he feared monopoly, and if he were alive today I bet he couldn’t tell the difference between bad 80s music on Sirius and bad 80s music on XM. Let ‘em merge; they’re the identical anyway. Yeah, yeah, you have “exclusives.” Big deal. Give us a little variety!
There’s a fly in my soup, because it’s horsefly minestrone
Do recalls ever get recalled? Bausch and Lomb recalled yet another saline solution. This time there it’s iron. Apparently the beneficial metal isn’t supposed to go I your eye. My mom conjured up the old days when you made your own solution, that way if your chemistry experiment went wrong; you had no one to blame but yourself. Tainted goods are another reason I grow and make as much of my own food as possible.
I’ve heard of contributing to minors, but this is ridiculous!
As appalling as Demetrius McCoy’s smoke session with his two and five year-old nephews is, at least he didn’t give them cheese. Cheese is a combination of heroin and Tylenol PM that’s cheap, deadly, and has Texas in a headlock. It would have killed the kids.
I’ll name my kid Harley; it’s a good, honest name
With a name like Scooter did anyone doubt Scooter Libby was guilty of perjury?
Fire at the White House traced to pants
And don’t you think it’s about time the Bush administration admitted all their lies? America would respect the administration more. But then again, taking responsibility for mistakes hasn’t been an American value since Kennedy was assassinated.
Say what?
"I'll smack flames out your ass!” Does Diddy ever make sense when quoted? He should attend the Ann Coulter School of Slurs.
Singlehandedly eliminating an entire sector of my dating pool
Speaking of Ann Coulter, did I miss something? Was she funny before and now she’s just crude?
Go for broke
What good is a monopoly restriction if all your options are the same? I’m sure Woodrow Wilson didn’t have Sirius and XM or Best Buy and Circuit City in mind when he feared monopoly, and if he were alive today I bet he couldn’t tell the difference between bad 80s music on Sirius and bad 80s music on XM. Let ‘em merge; they’re the identical anyway. Yeah, yeah, you have “exclusives.” Big deal. Give us a little variety!
There’s a fly in my soup, because it’s horsefly minestrone
Do recalls ever get recalled? Bausch and Lomb recalled yet another saline solution. This time there it’s iron. Apparently the beneficial metal isn’t supposed to go I your eye. My mom conjured up the old days when you made your own solution, that way if your chemistry experiment went wrong; you had no one to blame but yourself. Tainted goods are another reason I grow and make as much of my own food as possible.
I’ve heard of contributing to minors, but this is ridiculous!
As appalling as Demetrius McCoy’s smoke session with his two and five year-old nephews is, at least he didn’t give them cheese. Cheese is a combination of heroin and Tylenol PM that’s cheap, deadly, and has Texas in a headlock. It would have killed the kids.
I’ll name my kid Harley; it’s a good, honest name
With a name like Scooter did anyone doubt Scooter Libby was guilty of perjury?
Fire at the White House traced to pants
And don’t you think it’s about time the Bush administration admitted all their lies? America would respect the administration more. But then again, taking responsibility for mistakes hasn’t been an American value since Kennedy was assassinated.
Say what?
"I'll smack flames out your ass!” Does Diddy ever make sense when quoted? He should attend the Ann Coulter School of Slurs.
Singlehandedly eliminating an entire sector of my dating pool
Speaking of Ann Coulter, did I miss something? Was she funny before and now she’s just crude?
11 February 2007
What's that smell?
Leftovers: Blogservations that have that warmed over feel, because it’s Sunday, I had a heavy dinner of risotto, and I’m tired.
I didn’t watch the Grammys; I watched the Grammies instead, that’s an award show for great achievements in grandmothering. I wouldn’t watch the Grammys unless someone paid me. I’m just not interested. Any real mainstream talent is eclipsed by music that makes my ears retreat into my head.
Bird flu is back. I can’t think of a worse way to die. I’ll have the sweet and sour chick—pork. Sweet and sour pork, thank you.
A plethora of people Anna Nicole knew, worked for, and/or knew in a biblical sense have made statements lamenting her untimely death. Spaced out space cadet Lisa Nowak should send the deceased a thank you card:
Dear Anna Nicole,
Thanks for having an even stranger sex life and having more screws loose than me. Sorry that you’re dead. Bummer.
Love,
Lisa.
As I predict collectors and perverts are selling and buying Anna Nicole mags on eBay like hotcakes. Expensive hotcakes. Some of the eBay community is outraged. Even more outrageous (and I can’t believe my foretelling skills failed me), there are now four hats in the ring –or should I say sperm in the bank –claiming to be Anna’s baby’s daddy. The latest, her second husband, J. Howard Marshall II joins photographer Larry Birkhead, last fling lawyer Howard K. Stern (who is sleazier than smut show host Howard Stern), and 90 year-old mega-celebrity Zsa Zsa Gabor’s hubby, Prince Frederic Von Anhalt. Too bad Prince the artist isn’t in the running; he’d have my vote. And are we really to believe that Anna Nicole Smith needed artificial insemination to get pregnant? Sorry J. Howard Marshall II, you’ve been dead over 10 years, you’re not the guy.
Do you ever notice in fast food commercials there are bright, colorful vegetables glistening behind the burger or dog and fries even if there are no veggies topping the patty or link? Is it just for color, or do they think they’re subliminally fooling us into thinking we’re eating healthy?
Why is John Mellencamp popular again? Didn’t we leave him back in the ‘90s somewhere after that Van Morrison cover? Don’t give this man any more happy hour money!
There is plenty of Latino comic strips, but why not publish some in Spanish? That way Paco gets a chuckle and people like me can brush up and pick up some chicas bonitas.
I didn’t watch the Grammys; I watched the Grammies instead, that’s an award show for great achievements in grandmothering. I wouldn’t watch the Grammys unless someone paid me. I’m just not interested. Any real mainstream talent is eclipsed by music that makes my ears retreat into my head.
Bird flu is back. I can’t think of a worse way to die. I’ll have the sweet and sour chick—pork. Sweet and sour pork, thank you.
A plethora of people Anna Nicole knew, worked for, and/or knew in a biblical sense have made statements lamenting her untimely death. Spaced out space cadet Lisa Nowak should send the deceased a thank you card:
Dear Anna Nicole,
Thanks for having an even stranger sex life and having more screws loose than me. Sorry that you’re dead. Bummer.
Love,
Lisa.
As I predict collectors and perverts are selling and buying Anna Nicole mags on eBay like hotcakes. Expensive hotcakes. Some of the eBay community is outraged. Even more outrageous (and I can’t believe my foretelling skills failed me), there are now four hats in the ring –or should I say sperm in the bank –claiming to be Anna’s baby’s daddy. The latest, her second husband, J. Howard Marshall II joins photographer Larry Birkhead, last fling lawyer Howard K. Stern (who is sleazier than smut show host Howard Stern), and 90 year-old mega-celebrity Zsa Zsa Gabor’s hubby, Prince Frederic Von Anhalt. Too bad Prince the artist isn’t in the running; he’d have my vote. And are we really to believe that Anna Nicole Smith needed artificial insemination to get pregnant? Sorry J. Howard Marshall II, you’ve been dead over 10 years, you’re not the guy.
Do you ever notice in fast food commercials there are bright, colorful vegetables glistening behind the burger or dog and fries even if there are no veggies topping the patty or link? Is it just for color, or do they think they’re subliminally fooling us into thinking we’re eating healthy?
Why is John Mellencamp popular again? Didn’t we leave him back in the ‘90s somewhere after that Van Morrison cover? Don’t give this man any more happy hour money!
There is plenty of Latino comic strips, but why not publish some in Spanish? That way Paco gets a chuckle and people like me can brush up and pick up some chicas bonitas.
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